Relationship communication can be tricky. It is a curious way to start an article but consider this. Relationships involve people. That’s a statement of the obvious I know and sometimes things that are obvious are completely missed.

You are a unique human being. The people that you are in relationships with are also human beings and also unique. Every one of you has been brought up in a unique environment known as a family that is composed of other unique individuals.

 We come into this world in a manner that is somewhat random. By random, I mean we have little choice about the human beings who will be guiding us towards becoming adults. We do not know what beliefs they may have and we do not know if those beliefs and the resulting actions, will be effective in dealing with the world out there. Worse still, we have no idea whatsoever about how well what we are being taught will enable us to cope with other human beings.

 Given the apparent randomness of human up bringing, it is a miracle that we are not rushing to push “the button” every 5 min. So what’s is it that binds us together as a species? What is it that brings you together with another person in a relationship?

 A lot depends on what you focus on. It is rumoured that leaving the top off of the toothpaste tube is one of the leading causes of divorce. This is of course complete fabrication. The leading cause of problems in relationship communication is bad focus.

 Good communication comes from focusing on the things that work for both of you and for the relationship. By switching your focus from the top on the toothpaste tube, to appreciative remarks, and by focusing on the good things, your perspective changes.

 You entered into a relationship with some common goals and some common benefits you were seeking. Pause and consider them for a moment.

 When you enter into a relationship with someone, by which I mean a positive and cooperative relationship, you probably did so because you and the other person had congruent values. You both decided that what was important to the other person was also important to you. You shared beliefs about what is right and good. Values are the clearing in the middle of forest where we can all come together and meet.Shared values are that place in a relationship which does not have any conflict. Values are the safe space where you feel secure about being yourself.

Because those shared values create a safe space for you, you can be yourself and you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Discovering the shared values you have with another human being is one of the quickest way to build trust, rapport and understanding. Without trust, rapport and understanding you will not experience the relationship you really want.

 To improve your relationships communication, I would recommend what you do is to simply ask a question. The question is “What is most important to you?”

You can also ask if the other person has those qualities in their life and if the answer is no, I’m going to suggest you offer to help them achieve that.

 Relationship communication is about creating cooperation. Cooperation can only come from understanding and understanding can only come from appropriate questioning, respect and trust.

Interpersonal communication skills are what you use when you want others to like you and to trust you. Because, as a human being you are wired to be sociable, interpersonal skills are very useful. So, what are the most useful interpersonal skills that you can develop?

They can all be summed up underneath the umbrella term of rapport.

Rapport is very simple and straightforward on the face of it. It is however, made up of lots of small actions that go to create the overall skill.

A good analogy would be learning to walk when you are small. You first have to learn how to stand up without your legs buckling underneath you. This happens because your muscles are not yet strong enough or well enough developed. You then must learn to balance on those legs without the need to support yourself. And then you have to learn how to move one of them forward, maintain your balance and then move the other. When you’ve been doing it for years it’s easy and because you are so small when you learned how to do it, you’ve forgotten how difficult it was.

 So, back to interpersonal communication skills and rapport.

Remember, your mind and your body are one system. Because roughly 90% of all communication and therefore relationship building is non-verbal, your body language is very important. I am not talking about anything sophisticated or slick here, just simple mirroring and matching. This is where you imitate the body position of the person you are with. It should not be confused with mimicking which is where you are taking the Mickey out of the other person.

To learn how to mirror someone best, get out there and look at people, in a restaurant or cafe perhaps, who are getting on really well. You will notice that they will be almost like twins or two peas in a pod. What do I mean by that.

 What I mean is that when one lifts their left hand slightly the other will follow suit and move their hand as well. This is an unconscious response. When one laughs or smiles, the other will probably do the same. They will be talking at a similar volume and at a similar speed using a similar tone.

The reason this occurs is because of something known as mirror neurons which were first discovered at the University of Palma, in Sicily, in 1991. The neurons were discovered in the brains of monkeys and later were found in the brains of every other primate, including humans. When a monkey makes a gesture  another monkey will make a similar gesture. This is probably the origin of the saying “Monkey see, monkey do”. Human beings are no different. We are primates too and we have these very neurons in an area of the brain called Broccas area. 

The reason that mirror neurons and mirroring are important is because they allow us to recognise other entities or beings who are similar to us.  Entities or beings that are similar to us do not generally present a life threatening danger. That is why I would recommend you not practice mirroring and matching tigers or wild hyenas. Their brains are wired differently. They will probably eat you. A graphic illustration and hopefully a useful one.

So, now you’ve spent some time observing other people and seeing how mirroring and matching occur, you may have noticed something. Not only are their gestures and their actions, the language they use, the tone and volume similar. There are other things too. If you observe closely you will see that their eyes are at roughly the same level. You will notice that their body gestures and their body position is virtually identical. It is as if one is looking in the mirror at the other. Hence the name mirroring.

So far, we have only looked at the physical side of creating rapport. Mirroring, body position, volume and tonality of speech but there is more.

Beyond the physical there is the psychological. The psychological aspect of rapport relates to you being interested in the other person and them being aware of that. By being aware that you are interested in them this will allow them to feel confident and likeable. This in turn begins to lead towards emotional rapport. Because we are social animals we need to feel liked and loved.

If you go back to the savannas of Africa thousands, or hundreds of thousands of years ago, to not be liked or Loved meant you were out there on your own. It was you against predators. The predators had teeth and claws. They were hungry and you were on their menu.

You had a stick, if you’re lucky.

 Hopefully you’re beginning to see that there are deep and significant sociological and physical reasons why we behave the way that we do today. We learned millennia ago that together we are stronger. We discovered that being liked and loved, not only feels good. It also meant we got fed and usually, lived to see the next sunrise.

All of the foregoing can be translated into a modern equivalent. Your interpersonal skills will determine how well you are loved, how well you are liked. How well you eat and live and whether or not you will in fact live to see tomorrow’s sunrise. There is nothing new under the sun and no surprises. I would strongly encourage you to learn, practice and home your interpersonal communication skills. One day they may, just may, save your life.

And even if they don’t save your life, they will definitely help you to enjoy it a lot more. 

Few people realise the importance of communication skills training. Many of you live your life believing that the fact that you can all speak the language of the land you live in constitutes having communication skills. For those of you who have ambitions beyond being Mr Average, or the guy next door, this is your lucky day.

Good communication skills comes from study followed by a diligent and persistent practice. I am not going to kid you that this is like the red pill you take in the matrix and all of a sudden you have supernatural powers. Life just isn’t like that. If you want something in life that is different, if you want something that is better and above and beyond what you’ve got now, you have to do something different.

You may have heard, it is not what you know it’s who you know. Though this is, in my experience true, there is also a common misconception that many people have. That misconception is that you have to know the rich and famous to become rich and famous. Not true. To become rich and famous or even just slightly popular, all you have to do is to be able to communicate the value you will deliver to people, in a clear and concise manner.

That value can take many forms. The value you provide can be anything from a great product or great service to simply being a great employee. Research shows that the more you give the more you get. So hopefully you are beginning to see that there are benefits in communicating your value to the world to others. And hopefully you can also see that the better you are at communicating that value, the more you are going to get back. For it is written, as “As ye sow,so shall ye reap.”

There are other benefits to having excellent communication. Not least amongst these, is the fact that you spend less time fighting for your corner and defending your territory. Because your relationships are more harmonious with others, it means that you will be more relaxed.

Research has shown that when you are relaxed you not only live a longer life, you also live a happier life. Unless you are some sort of a hermit you’re going to end up being more popular and being perceived as a trusted, go to guy or gal.

Even if you are a hermit, with your improved communication skills you will be better able to commune with nature and the birds and bees. And with your self too.

Think about it.

Communication skills training goes way beyond what you say and do with others. Good communication skills training should also show you how to communicate effectively and clearly with yourself.

This can be demonstrated through an NLP exercise known as the pointing exercise. We use this exercise or activity at the start of every training, every public presentation and every consultation. But we do why do we do this?

The exercise involves telling participants to hold out their left arm and then to twist round so that their arm points at a place in the room behind them. “But only until things get tight. We don’t want them to do anything that may compromise their safety.”

They are then asked to look along their arm and to take a “mental picture” of where they are looking at.

Next, participants are invited to close their eyes and to imagine them self going round further. They are asked to imagine what else they will see when they look along their arm. What will be new? What will they feel in their new and more supple body? What will they hear other people saying about their wonderful new flexibility? And what will they say to them self?

By suggesting how much further people can twist their body round, something remarkable happens. When they are asked to twist round a second time the majority of people, regardless of age or gender can twist a further metre. ( Approximately 1 yard )

The reason is quite simple.

The pointing exercise demonstrates in a graphic and kinaesthetic format how the mind and the body of one system. By altering what you say yourself and how you say it to yourself you can get radically improved results.

I would invite you try this out for yourself. Just remember to only go round until it gets tight.

Once you become aware of this it is easier for you to be mindful about how you talk yourself and also to gain more control over the results that you are getting in life.

This isn’t some woo woo, way out, flaky hippie theory.

This is based on solid scientific research that has been carried out the last century and goes right back to the father modern psychology William James.

William James talks about this stuff in his 1896 book “Psychology” volumes one and two.

You know that there are things you can do, today right now, to start to get the life you really want. You may not believe me. That is okay.

What is important is that you have the courage to go beyond whatever is holding you in your current state. Remember it’s all just an idea in your head. Perhaps you are neither unhappy or dissatisfied. That is really great

Does that mean that you can’t imagine your life being any better, on any level, in any aspect at all? Unless you gave a clear and unequivocal yes to the last question there may be something here for you to learn, as well.

As the British SAS say, “Who dares wins!”

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6184076

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6184076